"RAISING CAIN"

"BOYS NEED TO BE BOYS"

I learned something new today which re-enforced some of my old know how about boys. Some of the lessons came as I watched "Raising Cain," a program that was recently aired on PBS. The shows title comes from the 1999 best selling book by Don Kindlon and Michael Thompson; who also host this compelling and insightful documentary.

Thompson covers, as best he can in two hours, the spectrum of boys' emotional development, from birth to adolescence.

There are eye opening moments along the way, beginning with a segment on the difference between boys and girls as an infants. There are mothers in the room, playing with babies, then turning their backs on them to see how the babies respond. The girls amuse themselves, but the boys become agitated and cry.

Narrating these scenes, Thompson says boys need a lot of things, and we're unaware of most of them. He points out that, over the past 30 yeas, the focus has been on girls; making things more equal in the classroom and on the athletic field.

"At the end of 30 years, girls are out performing boys in school." "Girls are kicking butt," Thompson says. "Boys are standing still."

One of the problems is our approach to boys. That's clear as I watched an elementary school teacher work with her class. Everyday she sat with each student, as they dictated stories to her. The goal was to build literacy by encouraging them to write and use their imaginations. But when one of the boy's stories includes the death of a horse, the girls say they don't like it. They don't like the violence. They'd rather the horse "fainted. " The expression on the boy's face said it all.

Thompson makes a point that might startle you as it did me. What we perceive as violent thoughts in a boy's head makes us nervous and must be discouraged. But what is really being discouraged is the boy's interest in writing and perhaps in reading. Thompson says we have to stop thinking that a boy's natural desire to rough-house and to create scary stories, means he will become a serial killer and therefore must be stifled.

Kai hasn't been given a toy gun...but he has played with airplanes, even before he turned two years old. He fashioned airplanes out of two combs. He had inserted a stick in the windows of his toy cars and pretended that they were airplanes flying in the sky. The example is not the same as in the documentary, but I think it is a classic example of a boy exhibiting what it means to be a boy. I guess, that simply means we need to have a better understanding of what makes a boy a boy and relax.

There was a boy named Kevin in the movie. The concept became clear when he was featured. In his classroom, he is antsy and unfocused. Kevin was used in the movie to hammer home the point that boys are more physical and need more recess time to burn off energy. When they don't have those outlets, they become "problems" in the classroom and end up on medication. But Kevin was not one of these "problems", because he has a male teacher who understand boys. When Kevin gets rowdy, his teacher sends him to walk through the halls to burn off his excess energy.

As the program continues, Thompson introduced us to boys without fathers. Boys whose voices are filled with sadness and anger over their loss. And one whose dad has stayed in his life despite divorce and how much of a difference that has made. We met boys whose mentors may be all that is keeping them from, joining the gangs. Boys who talk eloquently about what it likes to be "different." Boys whose aggression is their way of of coping with fears they don't dare discuss, and boys in solid families whose parents know that their sons may look like grown ups but still need nurturing and guidance.

When the movie ended, I began to reflect on the relationship I had with my dad. He was reared by a very strict Spanish father of the old school. "Centuron" or the belt is always a quick draw. At an early age, I dreaded the time when he came home from his dental office. Boys will be boys, and I was not any different from getting myself into mischief. It stopped after my other brothers came into our family. I can't blame him. He was just following what he had learned from my grandfather. The very first time my dad visited us, he complimented me for doing a good job with Rodin and Tisha.

It is true, boys will be boys. And "Raising Cain" will help us see what that really means.